THIS IS A STICK-UP
(Transcribed from voicemail)
This is Mark over at @keysbank. I'm really sorry to have to call you about this, but we, our, our Social Media Marketing Manager saw the picture that's on there of you with your t-shirt today and it, uh, and it kind of caused a little bit of heartburn on their part. Um, I know you did this all in jest, but if there's a way we could get that removed. We take robbery very seriously, and we would just hate to have that being out there on social media. If you have any questions, please give me a call at (305) 293-7136, or just call me to just confirm you got my message and let me know that the photo has been removed. Thank you so much. Appreciate it so much. Bye-bye.
Thank you for taking the time out of your day to contact me about my t-shirt photo. I apologize for your having to do so.
Why First State Bank of the Florida Keys Social Media Marketing Manager couldn't make the call him or herself I can only imagine.
So, this is me imagining: Perhaps your Social Media Marketing Manager was busily studying Emojis, Emojis like 🐴🎩 and 🚿👜. Perhaps your Social Media Marketing Director was busy putting out a slew of small Twitter fires in response to such caustic posts as, "Check out some of these helpful Holiday Budgeting Tips from the American Bankers Association."
Instagram, too, can be overwhelming for some people. That's why I take only half an Instagram and only before bed and only with a glass of red wine.
Whatever may be the case, Mark, I'm sorry you have to be involved; that someone told you to pick up the phone, look up my phone number, and fix this. Shit rolls downhill, be it mountain or molehill, am I right?
Of course First State Bank takes robbery seriously. Unlike, you know, all those other banking institutions. Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation, anyone?
I'm quite confident if Vin Diesel and I attempted to remove the safe from your bank with our matching his-and-his modified 1970 Dodge Charger RTs Fast & Furious style, First State Bank would take the robbery quite seriously.
Mark--Vin's real name and what I call him when I'm mad at him--gave me the matching Dodge Charger, by the way, as a gratuitous display of undying affection; but I was all, like, "Mark, you know I have a boyfriend..." He also has my HBO NOW password. I should change that.
Further, I've seen your bank's interest rates. While I wouldn't necessarily consider them robbery as compared to many of your competitors, "petty theft" does come to mind.
When I was in school, Social Media was not an option for study. Or, it was, and we called it "Communications." I'm not sure. Nevertheless, I know this: When you walk into Social Media 101 on the very first day of class, written in giant block letters across the chalkboard, would be the words: DO NOT FEED THE TROLL and DO NOT SEND UNSOLICITED NAKED PICS.
The exam will be two questions, multiple choice. See you in 15 weeks. Class dismissed. Oh, yeah. And hashtags.
Your Social Media Marketing Manager clearly didn't understand the first lesson. Your Social Media Marketing Manager's understanding of the second lesson has yet to be determined.
My point is, the efficient, friendly, and lovely staff at the Simonton Street branch should be commended for sensibly knowing the difference between taking robbery seriously and a stupid t-shirt meant to annoy my partner--a compliment I wish I could extend to--of all people--your Social Media Marketing Manager.
Because the staff of First State Bank of the Florida Keys has been nothing but incredibly kind and patient with me and my partner, Fred Isch, over the years--replacing my credit card, for instance, when I lose it every three months without judgment, or finding all those math mistakes I always make in my favor on my deposit slips, or for all those free Dum Dums Suckers--I will agree to change the privacy settings on the photos in question on Facebook, as well as remove the images from Twitter and Instagram. I do not do this lightly.
One more thing, however. In the interest of keeping your Social Media Marketing Manager employed, as it were, please enjoy this crisis and the attached photo.
R. Scot Forste