THE FUGITIVE

Tammy : Hello Richard

 

Me: Hi, Tamela

 

Tammy: I’m pretty fine

 

Me: If u do say so urself.

 

Tammy: You got a very profile pics. honestly I don’t mind been your friend and seee where its we lead to

 

Me: I’m glad to hear you say that. I just escaped the state pen last night. I disguised myself as an envelope and walked through the gates with the outgoing mail. I need a place to hide until things cool off. Can I count on u, babe?

 

Tammy: Where are you from?

 

Me: Florida, of course. Can you give me your address? I’ll mail myself to you. Also, can I borrow $100 for stamps?

 

Tammy: What kind of problem are u having right away

 

Me: Licking

 

Tammy: Sorry to hear that from u

 

Me: I know it’s a lot to ask and maybe too soon. But babe, I can’t lick my own envelope. Will you elope with me? Elope with an envelope?

 

Tammy: How do I do that here

 

Me: Babe, you’re smart. You tell me.

 

Tammy: I don’t know how to do that here. What that for?

 

Me: Think, babe, think. My life depends on it. Neckbone forces me to make shivs out of toothbrushes.

 

Tammy: Okay may be u should give me some time. Okay. Do you live alone?

 

Me: How much time u need? I was locked in the pen for three hours. I was in solitary. That’s a lifetime, babe. I only live when i read your words

 

Tammy: Okay what do u do for a living?

 

Me: I’m a currently unemployed monkey trainer. It doesn’t pay a lot but I get to eat all the bananas the monkeys don’t eat.

 

Tammy: Sorry to heart that’s. I really wish I could help me u

 

Me: It’s my own fault, I suppose. I should never have rented that space at the cream pie factory to train my monkeys.

 

Tammy: Okay. What are u plans now

 

Me: Well, unless I get more postage I’m going to be mailed right back to prison.

 

Tammy: oh sorry to hear. don’t worry everything we be okay for u

 

Me: I love that you always see the bright side of things. By the way, do you know how to dispose of monkey carcasses?

 

Tammy: No I don’t do that

 

Me: Could you google it for me real fast and tell me what it says? Hurry babe.

 

Tammy: Okay

 

Me: Waiting babe… Babe? Do u know what separates us from monkeys babe?

 

Tammy: What?

 

Me: Google, babe. Google.

AUG 2015