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Tammy : Hello Richard


Me: Hi, Tamela


Tammy: I’m pretty fine


Me: If u do say so urself.


Tammy: You got a very profile pics. honestly I don’t mind been your friend and seee where its we lead to


Me: I’m glad to hear you say that. I just escaped the state pen last night. I disguised myself as an envelope and walked through the gates with the outgoing mail. I need a place to hide until things cool off. Can I count on u, babe?


Tammy: Where are you from?


Me: Florida, of course. Can you give me your address? I’ll mail myself to you. Also, can I borrow $100 for stamps?


Tammy: What kind of problem are u having right away


Me: Licking


Tammy: Sorry to hear that from u


Me: I know it’s a lot to ask and maybe too soon. But babe, I can’t lick my own envelope. Will you elope with me? Elope with an envelope?


Tammy: How do I do that here


Me: Babe, you’re smart. You tell me.


Tammy: I don’t know how to do that here. What that for?


Me: Think, babe, think. My life depends on it. Neckbone forces me to make shivs out of toothbrushes.


Tammy: Okay may be u should give me some time. Okay. Do you live alone?


Me: How much time u need? I was locked in the pen for three hours. I was in solitary. That’s a lifetime, babe. I only live when i read your words


Tammy: Okay what do u do for a living?


Me: I’m a currently unemployed monkey trainer. It doesn’t pay a lot but I get to eat all the bananas the monkeys don’t eat.


Tammy: Sorry to heart that’s. I really wish I could help me u


Me: It’s my own fault, I suppose. I should never have rented that space at the cream pie factory to train my monkeys.


Tammy: Okay. What are u plans now


Me: Well, unless I get more postage I’m going to be mailed right back to prison.


Tammy: oh sorry to hear. don’t worry everything we be okay for u


Me: I love that you always see the bright side of things. By the way, do you know how to dispose of monkey carcasses?


Tammy: No I don’t do that


Me: Could you google it for me real fast and tell me what it says? Hurry babe.


Tammy: Okay


Me: Waiting babe… Babe? Do u know what separates us from monkeys babe?


Tammy: What?


Me: Google, babe. Google.

AUG 2015

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